quotes

Dwight Schrute

HIDDEN LINK! You've discovered one of several hidden links at Epictrek.com. What’s going to come out of his mouth when he speaks? This is truly one of the great expectations of any fan of NBC’s popular hit television show The Office. There is no series character quite like the weird, yet enjoyable, Dwight Schrute, and sometimes you just need a quote that makes you smile. Enjoy the hunt and see if you can find more hidden links on our site.  Have fun!

Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, “Would an idiot do that?” And if they would, I do not do that thing. • Dwight Schrute

I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me. • Dwight Schrute

In an ideal world my left hand would have all ten fingers, so my right hand could just be a fist for punching. • Dwight Schrute

When I die I want to be frozen and if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in. • Dwight Schrute

In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead. • Dwight Schrute

Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors. • Dwight Schrute

I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same... except I could fly. • Dwight Schrute

First rule in roadside beet sales, put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go “wow, I need this beet right now”. Those are the money beets. • Dwight Schrute

There’s nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon. • Dwight Schrute

How would I describe myself? Three words: hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable. • Dwight Schrute

Here’s my card. It’s got my cell number, my pager number, my home number and my other pager number. I never take vacations, I never get sick and I don’t celebrate any major holidays. • Dwight Schrute

I never let anyone walk behind me, 7 out of 10 attacks are from the rear. • Dwight Schrute

It's a real shame because studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work. • Dwight Schrute

I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose…and a panther. • Dwight Schrute

When my mother was pregnant with me they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later they discovered that I had reabsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby. • Dwight Schrute

Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it and then you have to tame it. Keep it happy, care for it, feed it. Lovingly. The way that an animal deserves to be loved. My animal deserves a lot of loving. • Dwight Schrute

Reject a woman and she will never let it go. It's one of the defects of their kind. Also weak arms. • Dwight Schrute

I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war in an allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight. • Dwight Schrute

I have been Salesman of the Month for 13 of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that corporate gave me two plaques in lieu of a pay raise. • Dwight Schrute

I am faster than 80% of all snakes. • Dwight Schrute

You know whats better than a triceratops. Only every other dinosaur that has ever existed. • Dwight Schrute

Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don’t hear about is the many people they push farther out to sea! Dolphins aren’t smart. They just like pushing things. • Dwight Schrute

Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most. • Dwight Schrute

Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged? • Dwight Schrute

Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet so fine call me a Sasquatch! • Dwight Schrute